


My Unsaid Words

by flutterby_cupcake_26



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel's final scene, Dean Winchester Thinking, Destiel - Freeform, Gay Love Can Pierce The Veil, M/M, Season15Episode18, Subtext
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27528517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flutterby_cupcake_26/pseuds/flutterby_cupcake_26
Summary: A small one-shot around Castiel's final speech to Dean, with all the thoughts that Dean might have had in those silent, small facial tics as he absorbed everything Castiel was confessing to him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 24





	My Unsaid Words

“There is, there’s one thing she’s afraid of, there’s one thing strong enough to stop her.”

Here we are, in the dungeon, hiding from Death, and now Castiel comes out with the fact he was sitting on a solution this whole time? This is just typical Cas, I swear .

“When Jack was dying I-I made a deal to save him.”

You what?

“You what?”

I thought that was the kind of stupid thing only Sam and I did. Guess we really have rubbed off on Cas. I know if I have to pick between the kid and Cas, it’s no contest. Maybe then my mom would still be alive.

“The-the price was my life.”

What the hell, Cas?! Yeah, definitely a stupid idea to swap your own life for the kid. What was he even thinking?

“When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

That is … a weird deal. But the way Cas is talking, I know something bigger is going on. What, he can’t be happy? Angels never experience happy, but if we throw some last minute hocus-pocus together he could try? It’s not worth it. I need to make sure. Sam said I need to stop and listen, so I better try it now.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

Damn that was hard to say.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be.”

Good to know Cas is really listening to me. How have we gone from stopping Billie, to a stupid deal, to Jack, and now Castiel’s happiness? It doesn’t sound like he has a plan, and it’s not like we really have time for this. It’s agony, just listening to him right now.

“What my true happiness could even look like. And I never found an answer.”

Right, so this is a dead end. Good call, Cas, are we going to angel magic our way out of here now?

“Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”

We all have that. But he sounds so broken about that. Whatever it is, he wants it badly. Bad enough he thinks that we need this conversation now with Death literally knocking on the door.

“But I think I know, I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

That … doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes any sense.

“What are you talking about, man?”

He needs to get to the point, so I can think about all of this and come up with something, anything.

“I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, and you’re angry, and you’re broken, you’re your daddy’s blunt instrument.”

I – what? How did we go from Cas’ happiness to my self esteem? Unless … so many people have told me, so many times. Always throwaway comments, or designed to get under my skin. But I get the feeling Cas is telling me something very different right now. Something I really need to listen to. But he’s right, I’m broken, and angry, and I have no say in any of my life, and I’m just doing what I can with what I have and it’s never enough. Never.

“And you think that hate and anger, that’s– that’s what drives you. That’s what you are.”

It’s true. It’s all true. So what does he want, what would make him happy? Me changing who I am? He’s right, he won’t get that. He’s seen enough lately with Chuck trying to play puppeteer that it’s just not going to happen.

“It’s not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.”

WHAT.

What was that?

He looks so sincere, even though he’s smiling, even though he’s crying. He means that. He thinks I’m driven by love?

“You raised your little brother for love.”

I raised my little brother because I had no choice. I got him back in the life because I needed him. But … even Sam said something similar recently. That I raised him, that I was all he ever knew, all he could really trust in.

“You fought for this whole world for love.”

Love, or again, because it’s all I’ve ever known? I wish I could see anyone like this. I want to know how this is going to lead to Cas’ happiness, to him getting what he wants, or that having/being stuff. How it connects to stopping Billie who is surely going to break down the dungeon door any minute now.

“That is who you are.”

God, the sound of his voice right now. It’s like Cas is breaking in front of me. When we survive Billie – if we survive Billie – I’m kicking the Emtpy’s ass next.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth.”

The way he smiled just then. I guess I do care, I care about having free will and people getting to live their lives without fear of the monsters who have been in my life since I was a kid.

“You are the most selfless,”

I can’t look away from him, and I can barely keep up. He’s talking as quickly as he can, I think, trying to pull the right words that he’s been trying to think of so many times, but with the time pressure of whenever the hell Death gets through that door and kills us both.

“Loving”

He said that differently to how he said about raising Sam for love. There are times I get this vibe from him, sometimes lately, I’ve wondered myself. I think I know what this is, but I don’t see why it has to be said now, what relevance it has. Can’t it be a celebration of survival?

“Human being I will ever know.”

And the way he said that, like he’s never going to know a human ever again. I can feel a chill in my spine. I don’t know if he wants me to talk, but I don’t know if I want him to stop. I feel like I’m outside of myself. Sometimes, I’ve dreamed …

“You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me.”

Same, Cas. Knowing you has brought me worry and frustration, but fun and a friend who I can’t imagine being there every day. We’ve had our fallings out, but it’s nearly always been because we had the same goals, he just wouldn’t listen to my best way to solve the problems that came up.

“Because you cared, I cared.”

Is he talking about caring about the job, or saving people, or hunting things … or something else? Am I wrong for hoping for something else? And for dreading him putting this into reality too?

“I cared about you.”

Cared. Past tense. Never mind, he’s going somewhere else with this. Is that a bullet dodged or a missed opportunity?

“I cared about Sam.”

That took him a while, I know, but I’m glad. Again with the past tense though, what’s going on, Cas?

“I cared about Jack.”

Jack. The kid I could have cared about like he was my own if he didn’t kill my mother. The kid Cas has never second-guessed, has always cared for and raised like there was never a touch of Lucifer in him. I’m hearing what he’s getting to now. His happiness is in caring for people, and he thinks this will be enough. Maybe he’s going to fool the empty, get it to take Billie instead. We’ll have to move quickly to keep him.

“But I cared about the whole world because of you.”

He’s crying too much, he’s making me want to cry. Dammit. Maybe he doesn’t think he can fool the Empty. He has me all over the place, there’s so much to unpick. Too much.

“You changed me, Dean.”

He said that before. Is that his happiness? Is this it? I have to make sure, as much as I don’t want to know. I want him to stop, I want time to stop, because if time stops, maybe I never lose him. I never want to lose him again.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

I sound just as choked up. I can’t help it. This is some kind of sweet torture.

“Because it is.”

He’s so sure of that. What am I meant to do with that?

“I love you.”

He said it. He said it this time. No caveat of “all of you”, no other words to make me think maybe he’s not saying it in the way he meant. But he’s not saying it for the right reasons. He’s saying it because he thinks it’s his last chance. It can’t be his last chance. We need time, we need to talk about this properly, I need to think about everything he’s saying. It’s too much. He needs to know it’s too much.

“Don’t do this, Cas.”

I need him to slow down, can’t he see that? But the door has finally broken open, and a noise behind us makes me turn. Whatever happened to him when he finally broke the unspoken agreement we’ve had since I don’t know when, it’s triggered the Empty. I looked back at him as he stepped closer.

“Cas?”

Is it too much to hope he’ll kiss me? Is it too much to hope that somehow protects us? I know he’ll protect us. He’s protected me since we met in Hell.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Those aren’t the words he should be saying. He shouldn’t be shoving me the way he has, as gently as he can manage but with more force than a human. When I looked up, he was being consumed, but he was watching me, smiling like he had no cares left. How could he?

And now I’m alone. Completely alone. I feel like I can barely move, my body’s in shock, my brain isn’t processing any of this. His love for me was keeping him alive. If I had ever been able to love him back, that would have killed him. And all to keep Jack alive. How do I go on without him? How is it fair that he got taken before I could at least tell him how I feel too?

My phone started ringing. I looked, and saw Sam.

Oh no. How do I tell Sam? How do I start to tell him? What could I tell him? And he’s with Jack. If only Cas and I had been with them, I would still have him. I still wouldn’t know for sure he loved me the way I love him, but I would still have him. The one decent angel.

I dropped my phone. I can’t speak. I can’t do anything. Nothing except cry. Maybe somewhere in the empty, wherever Cas is, he can feel my heartbreak somehow and have the answer that he never let himself have.

I love you too.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written fanfic - or anything really - in so long. Bad writer's block and personal life stuff is a potent mix.  
> However, I've been doing well with a story in NaNo, and watching this scene - rewatching it a ridiculous amount too - I felt inspired. Dean is the epitome of still waters run deep.
> 
> I'll also be talking on my youtube about this shortly, if you want to watch it'll be on this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMP20n82L85TGx52OjiwHkA?view_as=subscriber (I hope that link works! If not search thatssozee and it should come up x


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